Tired and blue I sit in front of the screen trying to clear my head. I had a tough weekend, both physically and mentally. I was so happy to come home today, knowing that I have a day off tomorrow and I can just relax and get rid of the weight of my heart. I don’t like situations when  people make me feel guilty for their lack of understanding and willingness to do what they should do and are paid to do. I am a very hard and dedicated worker, maybe it’s my fault that people take advantage of that but then I don’t expect them to be like me. I just wish they thought once in a while why they are where they are without someone reminding them all the time. Is it too much to ask?

Yesterday I filled my census documents. It took me five minutes to do that, I spent three minutes of that time thinking about my religion. At the end I left the question unanswered. It’s funny because on Saturday, after a long time of not thinking about it at all, I had a conversation about religion with someone who is a devoted Christian. I am completely lost at the moment and not answering that question is the most honest answer I could give. I haven’t been to church for ages, apart from my Granny’s funeral, but even then it felt very strange, unreal. I used to run to church every Sunday when I was a kid, teenager and in my twenties. I started questioning everything when I went to uni and then with my departure to UK  it all just went into religious blur. I think I always longed for some sort of belonging, maybe when times got tough at home it was a safe place to go.  When I’ve met Peter all those feeling went away. I’m not saying he replaced anything or anyone divine but he made me feel safe and happy in a way nothing and nobody ever could. I don’t know if I feel any spiritual need at the moment. I feel a bit lost but I don’t think I will loose any sleep over it. Only at times when I meet someone who is a passionate believer some sort of guilt creeps in and starts nagging:)

Despite being on my last legs, and on my last eyes and ears if you can say that, on Saturday I sat down to watch two last episodes of The Killing. I was really drawn into that series and I couldn’t stop analyzing it in my head. I even had a dream about it:) I was never into crime stories but as soon as I’ve read one ( a good one) I fell in love. I was even considering doing a course about forensic science. This series was quite complicated but that’s what was so good about it – the way you had to focus while watching and trying not to miss anything, the discussions between me and Pete (or rather me trying to drag Pete into thinking like a criminal) the temptation of watching later episodes on you tube (one attempt, stopped after few seconds feeling guilty:). I loved it! BBC4 showed a trailer for a second series straight after the show ended so it’s coming soon to my TV box!!! Can’t wait! Till then we have another gem – French series “Spiral”, probably second series that I’ve already seen but still to watch it again will be a pleasure. I officially confess my love for BBC4:)

I think I will go and talk to the pillow now.

x

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