Here comes the rain again

The beautiful British summer in full which means rain, rain and a little bit more rain. I don’t mind, at least my garden comes back to life after being a bit neglected lately. I’ve got some new plants to lift up the green mood and bring a nice scent to the atmosphere. My tomatoes are really up for it this year – growing bravely towards the sky. Feeling proud like a mum:)

Two days till my next round around the sun. I hardly ever think about my age. Maybe that day will come. But not just yet. I’m still young:)

Ron Sexsmith at the end of June!!! I hope it will be as good as I would like it to be. And I hope he’ll play my favourite songs.

 

pa pa

Where are you?

And there goes my promise to myself of more frequent writing. It’s always like that with me – big plans just don’t fit into my little world. What can you do?

Just came back from beautiful Brittany. Sea, shells and cider. It was great. A week with my friends in a little cottage in the middle of French nowhere. I came back fresh and relaxed only to find my garden as a jungle and my little seedlings struggling to pop out. Fingers’ crossing for a drop of rain didn’t work. Tomorrow I’m planning to go out and fight. Hope no wild creatures moved in.

I’m in the middle of reading “The life of Pi” and I love it. I have this thing of not reading a book when it’s popular just because everyone around you tells you to do it. So I bought it in a charity shop years after the public storm and I must say that it’s wonderful. I still have half of the book left so I hope there won’t be any disappointment:)

And I absolutely fell in love with Feist and her music. So sensual and beautiful. New Fleet Foxes album blew me away:) So much good music around that it’s just lovely!

 

Pa

Notes from a foreign country

My heart is split in two between Poland and UK. I’ve lived in the first one for 26 years but for the last 5 years of my life I’ve been waking up to BBC radio 2, enjoying full English breakfast and dreaming in a foreign language. For someone who never experienced living abroad it is hard to understand how difficult it can be. I only got really confident with my English when I was able to make jokes based on a game of words:) even if there was nothing wrong with my take on King’s Speech. In some ways you have to make some space in yourself for your new Me and no matter how much you try not to, you will change. I think for me it was a change for better.

I don’t speak Polish very often and I miss that. I think it’s unprofessional at work but then again it’s the only place I can squeeze at least few Polish words into a conversation. The amount of phone calls to my family is shrinking and the number of Polish friends here can be counted on one hand. It is true that you forget a language that you don’t use and although I’m far from that I know sometimes I have to think hard to find words. It makes me angry and sad. Even this blog is written in a foreign language…Perhaps the fact that English was always very natural to me makes it more easy to sink so deeply into my life.

I miss my mum. I think her absence is the worst thing of being over here. I miss my friends, talking about books, music and film, going out or staying in for a cup of tea and stain-on-the-wall-chat. There isn’t a lot of people who I think know me well but that small number of people is like an anchor in my life and for one moment of what-the-hell and I only live once, I’ve left it all behind. You don’t know how much space someone has taken in your life untill that someone is gone and you feel empty. I feel empty sometimes on this big island.

Still for all the shades and shadows hanging above my decision of emigrating I have never been so happy. And all this for one man. There is nothing more I can add to that:)

Have a lovely Sunday

x

Tired and blue I sit in front of the screen trying to clear my head. I had a tough weekend, both physically and mentally. I was so happy to come home today, knowing that I have a day off tomorrow and I can just relax and get rid of the weight of my heart. I don’t like situations when  people make me feel guilty for their lack of understanding and willingness to do what they should do and are paid to do. I am a very hard and dedicated worker, maybe it’s my fault that people take advantage of that but then I don’t expect them to be like me. I just wish they thought once in a while why they are where they are without someone reminding them all the time. Is it too much to ask?

Yesterday I filled my census documents. It took me five minutes to do that, I spent three minutes of that time thinking about my religion. At the end I left the question unanswered. It’s funny because on Saturday, after a long time of not thinking about it at all, I had a conversation about religion with someone who is a devoted Christian. I am completely lost at the moment and not answering that question is the most honest answer I could give. I haven’t been to church for ages, apart from my Granny’s funeral, but even then it felt very strange, unreal. I used to run to church every Sunday when I was a kid, teenager and in my twenties. I started questioning everything when I went to uni and then with my departure to UK  it all just went into religious blur. I think I always longed for some sort of belonging, maybe when times got tough at home it was a safe place to go.  When I’ve met Peter all those feeling went away. I’m not saying he replaced anything or anyone divine but he made me feel safe and happy in a way nothing and nobody ever could. I don’t know if I feel any spiritual need at the moment. I feel a bit lost but I don’t think I will loose any sleep over it. Only at times when I meet someone who is a passionate believer some sort of guilt creeps in and starts nagging:)

Despite being on my last legs, and on my last eyes and ears if you can say that, on Saturday I sat down to watch two last episodes of The Killing. I was really drawn into that series and I couldn’t stop analyzing it in my head. I even had a dream about it:) I was never into crime stories but as soon as I’ve read one ( a good one) I fell in love. I was even considering doing a course about forensic science. This series was quite complicated but that’s what was so good about it – the way you had to focus while watching and trying not to miss anything, the discussions between me and Pete (or rather me trying to drag Pete into thinking like a criminal) the temptation of watching later episodes on you tube (one attempt, stopped after few seconds feeling guilty:). I loved it! BBC4 showed a trailer for a second series straight after the show ended so it’s coming soon to my TV box!!! Can’t wait! Till then we have another gem – French series “Spiral”, probably second series that I’ve already seen but still to watch it again will be a pleasure. I officially confess my love for BBC4:)

I think I will go and talk to the pillow now.

x

April resolutions!

Hot, hot, hot today:)  Windows, doors open and Andy’s back (my robin, the stalker). Just went to put the washing out and there he is, looking at me with a worm in his beak. Late breakfast Andy? Under a pile of stuff in the engine room I’ve found some bulbs from last year, that I dried. They’re starting to shoot so I put them in a cold bath and there will be some serious planting later. I’m loving this weather. I feel like I’m waking up from a long dream. I know I need to shape up so as soon I cut my hours at work I’m heading for the gym. It’s only half a day a week but still that’s a start. I’m watching a great documentary on BBC4 (the best part of BBC by a mile) about ballet dancers – Agony & Ecstasy: A Year with English National Ballet. Black swan reality show – hard work, sweat and pain, just  without the psychics. I miss that feeling when your body is tired beyond your comfort zone:) High time to feel it again.

I can’t wait to go to France in May. I know I wasn’t impressed with Paris but this is countryside and not far from the sea. Roll on. I think what I’m waiting for is the traveling itself. I just love to pack my bag and cross borders. Sweet feeling of being in between. I’d love to go to Ireland as well as it’s another “land” and I’ve never been there. And there’s a trip to Poland to see the littlen…

I think I’m over the everyday thinking of not having a baby. It’s hard but then I’ve made my choices in life and wouldn’t swap my Pete for anyone.  Maybe when I’m grey and old it will hit me again but for now I should simply enjoy my life whatever it brings me. I’m sooooo happy for my brother and his girlfriend. I know they will be the best parents! Come on littlen, you don’t have much left now:)

And so with a bowl of salad and a cloudy lemonade – healthy living part one – I face the day!

Have a good one.

x

Cherish the day!

It took me some time again to get here but here I am. I got up today at 7:30 (!), shocking time. For me, on my day off that’s not normal. I blame the birds, they’re all over the place and make a hell of a noise. It’s lovely though. I think I’ve missed that. Spring, warmth, things growing and blooming. I got myself out in the garden and tidied the pots. It’s looking better but I know that next chance will come and I’m flying to the garden centre to get some plants. There is a big chance that I digged out some of the old stuff today but hey ho! Saw my new neighbour today but only managed to say quiet Good Morning:) I can’t believe how shy I get sometimes! Arrrrrrgh…I might just found a new pet today. A tiny robin was watching me today all the way through my messing about. He wasn’t worried at all:) All sorts in the garden today – bees, butterflies. No Roland though:)
And the list goes on:) I’ve finished the scrapbook for my lovely residents, I tidied the boat, I washed up (Peter’s not home and he’s the master dish washer!). Now ginger wine, Polskie Radio Program 3 i chill out. I need those days off. I’m getting tense lately at work so a break is recommended. I sometimes think I’m too harsh with people and I expect too much but then again I expect a lot from myself and that’s the kind of job that demands that. Otherwise what’ the point…Maybe I feel guilty that I’m far from home and in a way can’t help and take care of my own family the way I would like to. Maybe it’s the fact that when my Granny was dying in hospital I didn’t know anything about it and couldn’t do anything…The only time I had a dream about my Granny after she died, I told her to go away. Maybe that’s why it’s important to me to do my job well. It gives me a healing sensation and helps me to cherish the day and thank for all I’ve got. Hmmm, this is getting to deep, I’ll get some more wine…:)

Back for good:)

I was going down the memory lane the other day and it struck me that somewhere there is a place I have not been to for a long, long time…My blog. I’ve been itching inside lately to release some tension and express certain things and could not find a way to do it. And then it hit me!  I’ve lost the spark that used to ignite my imagination and make me happy – writing. So I’m back, still in England, still on my lovely Kishti, still with the same man I love dearly. And still feeling a bit uneasy about many things. I cross my fingers for myself this time, making a promise that I will come back here as often as I can. To talk to myself:) And anyone who listens…

It’s good to be back:)

Spiders on board

Hi there,

the wind is blowing hard over the marina today. I can see the clouds coming and it feels like the British summer is back again. One thing I know for sure – the spiders started to move in, looking for warmth. You can’t imagine how many of them you can find on a boat. Every evening there is a hunt and still in the morning they’re back!!! I have to get some concurs. They say spiders don’t like them. We’ll see.

I can’t wait for my holidays in October. I wasn’t so sure about all of that but now I think it doesn’t really matter. I wish i wouldn’t worry so much about things and just chill out. I’m looking forward to see The Mighty Boosh, but what I really want to see are the statues by Antony Gormley on the Crosby Beach in Liverpool. Sorry guys. I think he’s great!

I’m still hoping I will paint the boat this year. It might be wishful thinking but I would like it to have a new, fresh look. The only thing that worries me is the lack of talent;) I can cross out any sophisticated decorations of my list;) Artists! My door is open;)

Have a sunny Monday!

one of these days

Hi,

Lazy day at last! There was nothing more than a hard work and stress lately. Now I can chill out and do what I like. I’m just in the middle of a book by Danny Wallace “Join me”. Great stuff. Makes you feel better and that’s just what I need. Came back from Scotland happy-sad. Happy – a chance to spend some time with Spike!, see Scotland again. Sad – meeting and spending time with people who probably would like me to disappear, situations when you just don’t know what to do and you sit quiet hoping that people will forget you’re there…All the bad things I have done are coming back to haunt me every time I see people hiding their hate behind happy faces. I can understand them but can they understand me? My argument that I’ve done things because of love does not exist…It will never be normal, I will always feel like an unwanted object in their presence.  Things I have to get used to. I am not sure I’m looking forward to October…

All this sadness is draining my heart today, don’t know why…Thinking about Gladys. Hang on there my little love. You always make my day whenever I think I can’t do this job anymore…

Guess what. When I was in Scotland I was wandering alone in St Andrews and Spike went to see the graduation. I bought a book by Henning Mankell “Faceless killers”, because Kasia told me about it when I was in Poland. Spike came back and said that this author just got a Honorary Doctorate at St Andrews Uni. What a coincidence;) We were trying to find him and get an autograph but couldn’t find him.

Have a good Monday!

Here comes the rain

Hi,

I haven’t been here for ages. Since then I’ve managed to learn one song on my uke ( I got more ambitions than talent unfortunately),  sort out my garden (without winning the battle with the mint), finish my writing course (I’ve passed it!) and do some other stuff. Not much. After couple of days with sun going crazy, rain came back. I’m trying to plan my trip to Poland today. I can’t wait to see everybody and my little town Jelenia Gora.